The closer I become to getting what I want, the more I second guess it.
I went out today and looked at two apartments. It was so exciting… and yet more overwhelming than I had guessed. If I rent one, I will be scraping the last layer of my penny jar monthly. I will be coming home to only myself in the dark scary night. I will be leaving my loved ones behind…
This is the first year in a long time that I have not been preoccupied with my now ex-boyfriend (though I don’t regret any time spent with him)… and oddly, I’ve really enjoyed getting to know my family again. Though, my closeness with them now frightens me. I need them now more than ever, and I feel as if they need me too. What would I do without my dad calling to check in with me after work, what will I do without him making me laugh at least once a day? Who will I have silly debates with, tease & pester, and give long hugs to when she is sad without my mom? What if no one comes to visit me, but instead just talks of it. What if I can’t even have a pet, not because the apartment complex won’t allow it, but because I work full-time and will leave it lonely and uncared for.
My parents are getting older and so are my siblings. I know my body and soul are ready for a new beginning, but part of my heart can’t move. I don’t want to leave my family as much as I thought I did. I don’t want to miss out or be excluded. I will miss my dad so much. He just gets it… gets my sense of humor, my wants, he’s very supportive of me.
“You don’t need to move out, we’d miss you if you did. You can live here.” -Dad
“I can’t live here forever.” -Me
“Yes you can.” -Dad
I don’t want to be standing in the doorway of my new apartment watching them leave and seeing my dad’s crocodile tears… I’d feel so guilty… and who knows how much time I have left to enjoy his company in my life.
Maybe it’s too early. Maybe 21 is rushing it. Maybe I just want to have something to show… so that when people ask I have more to say than “Yeah, I’m just working full-time”.
I found a beautiful space today, a large efficiency place. Big windows with beautiful natural light. Wood floors. A 3rd Floor spot. Closet, bathroom, and nice kitchen. It might be the one. It’s everything I want. I would feel so accomplished living there and paying for it myself. It would be a big step for me. It’s in the city as I want, so I can hopefully meet new faces. It’s close to cute little shops and I could take fun classes like dance or yoga. I could host little get-togethers, with my bestest of friends, and I would hope that my family would visit too…
but I’ve never been one to let go easily. And these three people I come home to now, are going to be the hardest to let go of… at any time in my life.
Home is where the heart is, and I hope my friends and family can help me make my new place a home… I need them. And though I know in my heart that this has to be my next move in life, my heart is also now wondering how long I can put it off.
