You’re born into this world alone
and alone you’ll go out
all I have is myself
and everyone else I doubt.  

This girl and photograph are kind of beautiful.

Oh boy, I don’t even know how to blog anymore. But! I think I’m just going to start spitting it all out. My apologies for poor grammar and any other mistakes, blah blah.

My head and my heart are spinning out of control tonight, every little thing is going through them. This past year has been all over just chaotic and wonderful and chaotic and wonderful. I suppose I just get restless with the change of season, as one year dies and another begins. I become proud of my accomplishments and discouraged by how many things I have yet to achieve. I know New Year resolutions are a silly thing that people do, but I really start thinking hard at the end of a year about what’s to come and where I’m at right now with myself, and I do have hopes and things I want to resolve in the coming year.. or so. 

In the next year, I will be granted my freedom from probation, my lease with my current apartment will be up, and I will turn 23 years old. These are big turning points in my mind. I have to get somewhere in the next year, I have to do something big again. (One big thing each year has turned into my motto.)
I want my own apartment again. It just made me feel so accomplished, so comfortable, and those last few weeks I spent there with my boyfriend are memories I will never forget and ones that I really miss. It was a space all of my own that I earned. It was safe on the third floor, it was a corner suite with large windows and all wood floors… and it was just mine. I have had a year to adjust to my current apartment but I just can’t let my first one go. I couldn’t make this one feel like home, and I’m sorry to my friend that I couldn’t…

I want to travel too, so badly I do. I get so frustrated watching Education First videos or anything about anyone else traveling. I get so jealous, it’s almost childlike. I’m just so glad I got the opportunity to go to Germany a couple years back. I saved up for a year and it was such a spontaneous good thing from the beginning. I need to get away from this internet life and immerse myself again in other cultures. I want to see the Mayan Ruins, I want to see Italy, I want to see Paris, I want to see the architecture of Greece, I want to experience and love these cities of love that I’m in a long distance love with. I want to learn languages and see the world. I want to sit in cafes all day. I want to bake all day. I want to be in the sun, I want to take trips along side a loved one, I want to hang out with my parents more because they’re not going to be around forever, I want to love and be loved. I miss concentration and real connection between people. I can’t be content with this middle class internet generation American that I am, and yet here I am typing a blog maybe one person will read… at least it’s helping me organize my thoughts I suppose…

I don’t know how to win. I don’t know how to make it all work. I don’t know how to have it all. I have these things that I want but I don’t know what my next move should be. It’s such a battle with me. I want to be trendy and have my own place and money to go out with and remain an entertaining girlfriend/person etc, but sometimes I just want to live at home again so I can save and take advantage of that shit for as long as I can so I can see the world again  and take little classes and figure more things out.

Anyway, as for now I’m trying to focus on my little triumphs, not be so hard on myself for my choices thus far, and to look at the things I’ve done in my life that I’m really proud of: I’ve had a full-time job for years now and I’m not yet 23 years old, I got my own apartment at 21 years old, I lived in Chicago for a year right after high school (which turned this suburban child into a big city lover), I participated in a nation wide art showcase at which I showcased my photography, I met a brilliant and becoming young man named Robert who shows me a lot of things and puts up with me, I’m finally at a weight that I am happy with and looking how I want to look, and I like to think that I’ve made someone’s day every once in a while, and at least I’m trying to figure my shit out and make my life the best it can be. Welp, those are my thoughts. This is where I am, and it aint too shabby. I am here, and I am making it work as I always will do. I have a little bit of faith, a lot of hope, love, and the will to work with anything that comes my way. After all, it’s only life and you can’t take it too seriously else you won’t have any fun. :]

“Suffering builds perseverance and helps you learn what you really want.” -Mom

Want.

Hey you guys! I decided to create a new blog where I review pubs, delis, and cafes in Minnesota’s Twin-Cities. If you’re going to be in the area, definitely check it out!

http://thesensoryoverload.tumblr.com/

Hi Grizzliest Bear! Haha. My tattoo is a half-sleeve that starts around/under my collar bone, stretching to my elbow. There are flowers up top and the arm is a Walleye jumping from waves and flowers. I could post some more clear photos…  I love the idea of your tattoo! So beautiful! I got mine done in Minneapolis Minnesota, at Saint Sabrina’s, by Taylor. She’s amazing, and the cheapest of the four artists, and the place is super classy. You can sit out on the roof and they each have their own room upstairs. Not sure where you’re thinking of getting yours but you should totally do it! 

I grew up fishing with my dad and brother a lot, and when I quit school I was talking to my brother one night feeling a little down and little stupid because I didn’t feel like I could do school anymore. I struggled with math and other things, and just wanted to do creative things, plus I couldn’t afford school anymore because I was going to a private art school, so I was bumming out, and my brother said to me a quote by Albert Einstein that said “Everbody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it’s stupid.” And that thought, especially coming from my brother, just kind of stuck with me and inspired the tattoo. Thanks for asking about it! 

vorldominashunn:

Padua, Italien, Italy by sylvia-münchen on Flickr.

I really need to go to Italy…

Right now I’m 22 years old. I live in a basement apartment in the city with one of my best friends, I work at a hospital, and I’m basically making just enough to get by right now while also having a little fun. I make sure to do at least one thing for myself every paycheck. This recent paycheck, I went to a fancy hair salon and got my hair cut. It had been soo long since I had gotten my hair cut and took that little time out for me. It might sound trivial or silly, being that it’s such a simple task but little things really do have their affect. I feel great now, I feel like I have a whole fresh attitude now, and feel more confident. I think it’s important to have little goals or little things you want to accomplish, and being that I’m apart of the ‘Workhorse Country’ I think it’s important to reward myself every once in a while. People these days are so hard on themselves, and I certainly am on myself… but recently I’ve been trying to remind myself that human beings are the ones that made up time, and thus we made up age… so I’ve been trying not to be so hard on myself with getting things done in a certain amount of time, or by a certain age. Living like that is so limiting. That being said, I do still want to accomplish certain things while I’m in my 20s or feel still young and energetic. Everyone wants to be in a certain place or feel like they have something to offer… and right now it’s a slow moving game for me. 

I know the things that I want, but everything takes so much time and money to acheive. And now that I’m not living with my parents I don’t have that extra $400 a paycheck to blow on whatever I please, it now goes toward rent. I certainly don’t regret moving out, but it does make self education and expansion much more difficult. There are so many things I want to do, and so many place I want to go. So I’ve decided that I’m going to keep this list handy and see how many things I can get started, hopefully by the time I’m 24. 

First off, I’ve been wanting to pay off my credit card for a very long time. I went to Europe last summer and I just haven’t been able to pay that off since, and then I made a silly life lesson/error and was forced to use said card again. So! This coming January I will finally accomplish paying off my credit card. (Yay taxes!) 

By this coming September I would like to have a better camera lens which will cost about $450. (The one I really want is about $1300, but that will have to wait for a year or so I think, I need to be more serious about my photography if I’m going to spend that much money).

Next paycheck, I’m planning to reopen my gym membership, if all goes accordingly. Back in the day I use to feel like exercising was one of the only things that would make me feel good, when everything else was going awry. I really miss it…

I also really miss Yoga. When I went to school in Chicago the dorm would have a yoga class every Thursday at 10pm in the exercise area. It was dark and peaceful and wonderful. I would always take the elevator down after studying for a long time and it was the perfect relaxation after being school stressed, I didn’t even have to leave my building. The stretching, calm music, learning about ancient chinese philosophy, learning how to have good energy, and be at peace with yourself. It felt so nice to be able to take that half hour break from everything that was going on in my life, just to reconnect with myself and clear my mind. It was a challenge, and really really healthy for me, and my body. I’m hoping I can either start my gym membership again, and/or start getting back into yoga… maybe if I got really into it, I could teach, I always thought that would be fun. Each class is about $20.

Ceramics. Ceramics is another thing I really want to get back into. I felt really good at it. I want to make mugs and jars and big vaces and things, I want to sell my work. I told my dad back in high school that when I become an old lady, I want to sit out on my porch with some iced tea with a ceramics throwing wheel and just make pottery all day in the sun. haha. Such pipe dreams I have… a wheel would cost a lot of money alone, then you have to add the expense of clay, and glaze, and shit you would need a kiln too. Haha. Maybe I should learn how to make my own outdoor kiln… hmm. (Please time, be kind to me. Allow me time to learn these things.)

Self educating is a tough tough thing for me. I need someone to kick my butt, I need someone to teach me. I really love learning, but I struggle to teach myself things, or to continue once I’ve started… for various reasons I suppose… regardless, one thing I really want to be taught and learn is French. Or any European language for that matter, I wanted to learn Italian for quite some time. I don’t want to just be another ignorant American. However, I feel as if it takes me a long time to learn a language, so I’ve always been scared to try again. I always felt behind in high school, because we were under a time limit to learn. I worry that I will fail, that my memory won’t be what it used to be. But I would really love to try. I want to meet one on one with someone and really learn a language… and French is a beautiful language. French tutors cost quite the pretty penny, but when I have the money, I would certainly be willing.

And with my language learning will come Traveling. I’m a very independent person and much of an adventurer. There is so much more out there to see, and I truly believe that the mind needs vacations and new scenery to feel refreshed. Maybe I can start my travel adventures with traveling closer to home, or camping. It’s been since I was little Molly. I have not camped for yeeears, and I think being away from technology would be a nice little change. I also want to make sure to have my own place again by the time I’m 24. (Hopefully sooner). I was so happy with that accomplishment, and so comfortable. It’s just something I need right now… my own space, my own thing to decorate and call my own. Basically, I just want to remain healthy. I want to keep my brain active and learning and keep my body healthy too. 

I want to have more to offer, I want to love and see and experience and have more to give back to the world than just working full time. I feel like I’ve been so stuck recently. I want to have something more to give. And I’m working on it… even if it just starts with a haircut. Bare with me loves, I will get there. I’ll have more for you… this expensive credit card year is not the end of me, it’s just the worse before the better.